A rant…

I’m just about over hearing people complain about how the church isn’t doing this or that, or the church isn’t meeting this need or that need. This is why it frustrates me to hear that. Let’s take a step back and look at who the church is. Are you part of the Church? Am I part of the Church? If you answered yes then who is the answer to these “problems”. I am! You are! Who’s human and causes problems. I am! You are! Let’s take responsibility for OUR actions and do OUR part in meeting these needs.

End of discussion.

Criticized.

As I reflected on the past few years I’ve noticed a few things. 1.) my taste in men has changed for the better (HALLELUJAH). 2.) My ability to cook a meal has increased! 3.) My trust in people has become more cautious. 4.) I don’t necessarily care what people think about me as much as I did when I was a teenager. 5.) I have become much more critical of myself.

Now as those of us in our 20’s know these changes are normal. With your 20’s comes a sense of independence, freedom from others thoughts of you. It comes with a new found responsibility. Getting married isn’t just a fantasy, you realize it goes beyond a wedding day. And for some that’s scary to think you have to take care of a man for the rest of your life! But for others it’s a sweet thought to know that there will be someone who is stuck with your dry jokes and horrible cooking for the rest of their life! Now as much as I love all the good that has come with my 20’s there’s one part I wish didn’t make it’s way in.

I have never been one to be too critical. Ok yes, when I started wearing make-up I would sit at the mirror for awhile trying to get my eyeliner right. And yes I would spend an hour trying to figure out what to wear. But those are normal things (I think!). And might I add that both those scenarios have gotten worse as the years have gone by. But the criticism I’m referring to is of my talent.

There’s a standard put out there for singers and musicians. Some meet it and some don’t. I noticed this standard early on but promised myself I wouldn’t strive for that, I wanted to reach for God’s standard for my life. But as time went on and I pushed to this other standard I lost focus. I started focusing on the world standards and how I wasn’t meeting them. I felt wasn’t good enough in their eyes. People didn’t have to tell me, I felt it. I saw it in how they started treating me, or stopped talking to me. When you’re good, you’re used. When there’s nothing left to use, you’re thrown out. Now I could go on and on about this part but that’s not what I want to focus on. Here’s what really disappointed me. I began putting this standard on myself. I began criticizing myself, probably more than anyone ever has. I took words I heard and placed them on myself. I took lies I heard and placed them on myself. I truly believed I wasn’t good enough and that’s why I’m not making a name for myself. I took my eyes off the One who created me and gifted me with this talent. One glance away and it was all crumbling in front of my eyes. How could I become the captain of my ship? How could I make him or her hear what I can do? How can I change this or that so that I get noticed or appreciated by them? I began a slow downward spiral into deep criticism. 

Well now I’m here. At the bottom looking up. I see the light of hope and it’s actually closer than I thought it was. I’m not who he or she says I am, I am who HE says I am. I am not who I think I should be, I am who HE says I am to be. This is not my life, this is not my gift. It all belongs to the Creator of heaven and earth. It belongs to the one who died on the cross so I didn’t have to. The one who speaks truth over the lies that I believed. If this is His anyways then who is He to not call it good? He is my standard! He is my teacher! He is who I am looking to for assurance, acceptance, love, and appreciation. People will fail you, but God will not!

That moment you want something so bad but you don’t see it ever becoming a reality. All of a sudden there’s a glimpse of hope through a thought, dream, action… Yet it still seems so far from becoming real. You try to resist, you try to get rid of the feelings and emotions but they just won’t leave you alone. They don’t haunt you, cause you actually don’t mind their company. You want them there but you know what the possible ramifications could be. And those scare you the most. You’re left sitting there, hoping that this time will be different than all the other times… But you just aren’t sure. You’re not afraid… But you just aren’t sure.

Victoria’s Secrets Revealed Part II

So It’s that time again. Actually I just got bored and I wanted to share with you how crazy my mind is again… Either way here it is! A few more RANDOM thoughts from my brain. And at the end of this is a delicious recipe for Paleo Dark Choc Chip Cookies!

*I think guys with beards, like BEARDS, are so cute!!!

*I try not to make eye contact with someone who just cracked a joke that isn’t funny so I don’t have to do the courtesy laugh.

*I wish Jane Austen wrote a book with me as the main character!

*I’ve decided that Jazz Music is the type of music I want to record.

*When I see a girl that is make-up challenged I wish I could do one of those makeover shows with her, or just wipe the make-up off her face and do it for her!

I think that’s good for now. I honestly can’t think of anything more. I’m going to bake some yummy Paleo cookies now! Here’s the recipe if you would like to try it out :)

Paleo Dark Choc Chip Cookies

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The a joy that I’ve found is a genuine joy. A joy that is unshakable, unbreakable, and unexplainable! I can’t describe the joy I have within my spirit. I wish I could cause it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever felt.

To know that this joy is tangible, not just something talked about, makes it even more amazing. It’s just an arms length away, maybe even less. If we are willing to let go of the old habits, take hold of the life He has given us and use it to it’s full potential then can you imagine how much more amazing this world would be. We’d have people walking around with genuine hearts and genuine love towards each other. WOW! That sounds like heaven ;)

It’s true what they say, you can’t truly love someone else until you’ve learned to love yourself. I began truly loving myself this year, not in the vain way, but in taking care of me. There were things that had become bad habits, and I’ve taken a stand to get rid of them. One by one they’re leaving, some slower than others. But there’s been major progress. In order for me to move onto the things God has called me to I have to be good with myself and of course God. 

One step at a time, one day at a time… That’s what I tell myself. That’s what we need to tell ourselves. Things can’t just change in a day. But a choice to make that change can be made in one moment. I made this decision and I’m not looking back!

I love you <3

Life has a funny way of going a way you never expected it to go. You go from feeling so stuck one day to feeling like the world is mine to conquer. A freedom that I never want to leave me has landed in my life. I don’t fear for the “bad days”, I prepare myself to overlook them. There’s always good that can be focused on. All that God has carried me through has brought me to this moment in time. And my heart is full of love and gratitude for all that He has done for me. Every need I have had has been met, even my desires have been fulfilled. And only a God like Him could do that. To say I’m blessed is an understatement. I don’t think there’s a word to describe how thankful I am to Him for all that He has done. This is the in-between, The ending of one season and the journey into a new one. I’m expectant.