I’ve come to the realization that not only will I be living in Kona for a while, but I’ll be living in this room! So, as you can imagine, re-decorating has begun! I’ve made a list of things I need, I’ve moved things around, and I’ve thought about where to put other things.
This realization is somewhat scary. Scary because to think that I am going to be in one place for so long makes me uneasy. Routine doesn’t inspire me. It does the opposite. Also, to think I’m back in the room I was in when I was in high school semi freaks me out!
In all honesty, when I was in high school I thought by this time I’d be married, have kids, and be living in my own home. But things have turned out quite different than what I thought. I’m not complaining but I’m just realizing that things don’t always go the way you planned. Especially when you’re making those plans you can barely control your emotions or hormones lol. I’m on the brink of 25 and I’d be lying if I said I’m not freaking out. It’s scary to be approaching this age having not accomplished some important things I’ve wanted to. But again, this is not a pity party for one, this is just a coming to terms party.
As scared as I am to enter 25 without my music being where I want it to be, without my own family being realized, without a husband or boyfriend I am also so confident that this and so much more will come to pass in due time. It’s not easy seeing your best friend’s or family getting married. But it’s also a joy because you know that if they found someone you can find someone too. Not only do I know that through experience but I know that because He has promised me that.
They say the wait is the hardest part, and as true as that is I think it’s also the best part. The most important part. At age 21 I had no idea what I wanted, I didn’t even know who I was. I thought I knew it all but I was far from knowledge, I was far from wisdom. And I’m not saying I have arrived now, but I have come to terms with the fact that I’m not there yet! I am learning everyday, I am making new and old mistakes everyday, I am forgiving, finding freedom, losing myself, finding myself, every single day! Yes I am without those special and important things for the moment but what I have right now is more than I had last year! And I am grateful for that.
Let your grace wash over me like a wave. Let it wash away the fear that my faithless heart will never return to it’s first love. Let it saturate every part of me. Let is rush into my bones and bring me life that never fails. May it stir up my spirit to recognize love is standing in front of me waiting for me to let go of my inhibitions. Waiting for me to release my fear and give into the only true and pure feeling and reality that I’ll ever come in contact with. You have called me into the deep but in order to get there the waves of Your grace must wash over me. In order for me to get there I must be willing to submerge myself into the waves of grace. Your love protects me, it satisfies my soul. There’s no love like the one You give. There’s no love that will satisfy my soul like Yours does. You call me into the deep knowing full well that I am capable to trust You. Knowing full well that I can handle the deep because I will trust You. Your faith in me draws me deeper. Your belief in my ability to trust calms my spirit.
I stand amazed at the wonders of who You are. My mind seems to be releasing the knowledge of who You are to my heart. It’s all catching up and I’m in awe! The way You graciously move me back on the right path. The way You passionately love me. The way You open me up to see more and more glimpses of who You are. I am amazed. Who could ever fully understand Your ways? Who could ever fully wrap their mind around who You are? No one! So to be able to see glimpses of who You are causes my heart to sing, my spirit to soar, and my mind to comprehend! You are amazing, and I will forever be in awe of You!
I could get mad about this..or even hurt. But I’m choosing joy and gratitude for the ones who have stuck by me through anything. Although I sacrificed my own feelings doesn’t mean everyone will sacrifice what’s dear to them for you. Food for thought. Be wise with who you let in your life.
The knowledge of the absence of this physical love I so strongly desire is making it’s presence known once again. With every sunrise, every cool breeze, every smile, every shooting star. All so different yet they all remind me of how I am without you right now. But that’s just for now. I feel like I always say this, but I’ll say it again…
I will wait. I know you’re worth it. Whoever you are, wherever you are. I will wait. Like the moon waits for the night, like the sun waits for the day, like the stars wait for the darkness, like the ocean waits for the wind. All happens in perfect timing. All happens in His timing.
I will trust.